I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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