If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
