I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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