I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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