My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
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