apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
