Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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