Can i not drive my cunt home
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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