I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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