I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
