so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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