btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
