Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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