every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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