I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
