Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
