Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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