never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
