saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Randomize
