I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
even my farts smell like vagina
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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