The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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