Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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