is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
