i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
How does it feel to date your dad?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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