Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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