He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
