Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
