I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
