come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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