six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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