my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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