He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize