i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
