You can't motorboat a personality
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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