wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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