I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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