it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
