And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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