If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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