Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
