Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
