Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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