So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
