Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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