I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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