i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize