I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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