Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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