i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
