I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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