i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
