At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
