Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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