she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Houston, we have a blender
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
