I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
